Rain

Laying in bed, listening to a light rain fall- and every once in a while getting a breeze float through the window filling the room with that lovely fresh rain smell. Remember the NZ flash backs I talked about in this post? This cued one. Replace the sound of traffic outside with the sound of various exotic birds (and not that damn crow that lives outside my window now) and replace the security of being home with the insecurity of being in the middle of a difficult experience. This is me, 2 years ago (already?).
I know- I talk about NZ too much. I think about it more even more than I verbalize. I’m still trying to sort through some of the experiences I had. I’m still not over some things.
Is that a bad thing? No, probably not. Is it stressful? Yes.
One of the things they teach us about injury healing and prevention in musculoskeletal care is that a structure strengthens along the lines of greatest stress. This is why strength training works. The more you progressively stress a structure, the stronger it gets– to a point of course, too much immediate stress and that structure reaches a breaking point. In rehab, after an injury, if the right stresses aren’t applied- you get a mess of scar tissue plastered over the damaged area helter skelter as the body tries to repair itself. Or, in a simpler example, look at a callous or a blister. An area where too much friction is applied because of mechanical disfunction- the body comes up with a way to protect itself.
Where am I going with this long winded analogy?
I can’t decide if I’m applying the right stresses to my healing process, or if I’m building up a callous to things I should be listening to.
The things from NZ that I’m still working through are coming through in my present experiences. A lot of the same choices I was having trouble with then, I’m now having trouble with here.
You’d think after living through them once I’d be aptly prepared to handle similar things better now. Of course things aren’t exactly the same as before. Actually the details of both situations seem completely different in many ways.
Sometimes when I think of some parts of NZ it seems very surreal. It always seemed to be either extremely amazing or really awful. I had some of the best and the toughest days there. I met some of the greatest, most caring people, and also some of the most.. Challenging individuals. I also had to come face to face with myself many times. I came home from all those ups and downs having a pretty solid feel for who I was and what I could be. I also came home with a lot of things to think about.
Presently, I seem to be going through a similar thing. Except this time I feel like I should know how to handle things better- yet I sometimes feel more conflicted then I would feel waking up in that damp staff house at LC Farms early every morning. In a lot of ways I almost wish I could go back to the other side of the world to sort through all these things away from the familiar. Because often it’s the familiar things that cloud my thoughts. At the same time, I know I should be grateful for the support I have here, in person, when I need it- because going through all those scary transitions by myself 10,000 miles away from home was really hard.
I know I usually end these reflective posts with something I’ve learned and how it’s going to help me. I also usually write these kind of posts after I’ve gone through the experience and have something to show for it. I’m writing this one in the middle- and right now I don’t have too much to take from it other then inner conflict. I’m not sure where I’m going with this- because I’m not sure what decisions to make or what to tell myself.
For right now I guess I just continue to listen to the rain.

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