Human— emotional, in tune with light and dark, learning (often apprehensively) the power within.
This growing up thing is just one ever evolving process and I am truly, deeply fascinated by each and every experience.
I was surrounded by love today, my birthday. Texts, posts, time spent, phone calls- from patients, friends, colleagues, networks, and loved ones.
I ended today on the phone with a friend teary because I was a mix of grateful and overwhelmed by everything I have in my life, yet still feeling like I wasn’t complete.
I began this new year having tarot cards read, and was told I needed to be okay diving into the darkness inside me- for there I would find the way to become the teacher and healer I am meant to be.
At the time I was experiencing a darkness. An angst. Coming through 24 I spent so much time observing my own thoughts, emotions, and reactions. I was living in my emotions every day, and I needed to do that to really understand the observations I was making.
It’s okay to be in pain and it’s okay to be stuck in an emotional vortex. It’s also okay to step out of that vortex when you’ve had enough. We create the lessons we need for ourselves.
I turned 24 descending from Base Camp 1 in the Himalayas, and the year leading up to that had been an emotionally charged roller coster of self realization.
What did diving into my darkness mean? Did it mean to get meaner? Did it mean to let anger out? I did that, on one particularly rough day in the Himalayas… Or, did becoming comfortable in my darkness really just mean to truly, and fully, listen to my gut. More then I’d already discovered how to do.
This summer I was told by numerous people that I had a inner power and a purpose far bigger then I had yet to realize- simultaneous to when I was beginning to feel that bubbling within myself, but was too fearful of it to really stare at it for too long.
Power.. doesn’t that equate Ego? And isn’t that something I’d just spent months of reflection teasing out of my reactions? Or is that my Fear talking?
My early twenties have taught me that only the expectations I set have any relation to my own reactions. This past year alone has already shown me how much work I have to do when it comes to communicating and translating other’s words, reactions, and interactions with me.
My intuition speaks clear enough to support me when nobody around me understands how I’m feeling or the decisions I make, and the right people always stay in my orbit.
I’ve been given opportunities to let go, experience all emotions, and have accepted the art of observing those emotions on a daily basis. I live a privileged life where I can experience this process and still experience support and safety.
I’ve seen how giving yourself to others, no matter how much you love them and see their potential, is only possible if you yourself are grounded in you’re own power.
I’ve observed how inner power and efficacy differ greatly from ego, and how ego fogs intuition while inner efficacy only amplifies intuition.
My inner dialogue has never been so reflective.
I’ve seen the beauty in being human, flawed, and the value in our darkness.
I’ve spent my early twenties observing how the things we expect, the norms we uphold, and the standards we set create unwritten rules humans play along to. And those rules keep humans confined to limitations we create for ourselves in a desire for safety and security, out of fear of ourselves. A fear that speaks through our ego.
I’ve been let down so many times by expectation alone. Something I set up and expected another human, a flawed being with their own sets of internal rules and notions, to follow through on.
Sometimes I expected those things without even thorough communication to that other being, just solely on what society has suggested.
Sometimes I’ve set expectations of myself and watched myself not even live up to my own rules.
I can get irrationally angry at my cats for stealing my contact lens cases EVERY night even though I’m the one that leaves them on the counter each morning. I can be disappointed in someone I’ve given opportunity when they don’t see the same opportunity, and still recognize that they aren’t standing at the same viewpoint as I am nor do they have any obligation to feel what I’m feeling. I can want someone else to live up to every ideal I set for them in my mind, and know simultaneously that isn’t productive to anyone’s reality.
I can get frustrated when people don’t see my point of view or support a choice I’m making, while simultaneously knowing that they aren’t required to share my perspective nor do they know what my gut is saying to me, specifically. I can feel hurt when someone points out my flaws… only to realize they are helping me to improve and the emotional response I had confirms the lesson to be learned.
I can love those who have hurt me, and I can be frustrated when other people don’t understand that deep feeling- yet know deep down feeling this is experiencing the fundamental nature of being a conscious human. And in that experience it becomes clear why having a relationship with the dark and the light is so important. We can’t ever only live on one side of our nature– if we appreciate authenticity, anyway. Each person that comes into our lives, stays, or leaves, is a reflection of our relationship to ourselves. We all experience the same damn things, in different ways and at different times.
Illnesses and pain form from blockages, stress, and untruths we live. If we can’t spend time with whatever our minds, bodies, and souls present to us, light, dark, grey, or blinding… then we create our own pain.
I’ve felt the beauty in thinking you’re losing someone, or feeling the expectation to shed someone, only to have them stay in your life and continue growing alongside you in their own way. Only to realize that this feeling is only possible because you let go of all expectations of what “should” be, and just grew accustomed to what is.
I’ve come to see that life is so much more then forcing stability, finding a routine and holding on for dear life. In this world with no actual rule book and absolutely no guide book, all we have is what’s within us- and only when we start really listening to that inner guidance does that need for normal become less rigid.
Turning 25 I feel unbelievably grateful for every experience, person, disappointment, achievement, opportunity taken and missed, depression, dark spot, highlight, heartbreak, and moment of synchronicity experienced.
Here, now, I see that to be human is to every once in a while feel needy, want attention, seek out vices, and feed insecurities. To be human is also to let fears and insecurities take the microphone once in a while and speak. The true beauty in this is when we let those things do their thing, only to look around and let tears come to our eyes when we see that everything we will ever need will always be surrounding us, as long as we remain open and observant enough to catch on and continue learning.
Thank you to everyone who has joined me on this wild ride, briefly or all the way through. I am so looking forward to whatever is on it’s way.