“You do not need to reinvent yourself to be at ease” – Robyn Thomas
I haven’t written in a while.
In the last few months I’ve been sitting with myself. I built a cocoon and have been quietly transforming from the inside out. I’ve been processing that ongoing transformation.
It’s one I’ve felt on the cusp of for a while, which may explain the restlessness and antsy-ness that seemed to stalk me around all summer. As I’ve spoken about in previous entries, I’ve felt like I’ve been outgrowing old versions but haven’t quite had a feel for how or where to update.
I have been trekking through new territory on this journey and I have reached a crossroads.
At this crossroads it is evident that one direction is both where I’ve come from, and where I could move back towards. This being old routines, old stressors and triggers, and the same patterns.
The other option is continuing forward on a slight change in direction towards something new, and unfamiliar.
I think we all know which I’m choosing.
On a recent trip west to Alberta I was gifted with opportunities to gain some clarity on those updates.
In so many synchronistic ways, I was shown how I’d been operating beneath myself- and how/why it was time to upgrade. I was also led inwards, deeper then I’ve been before, and encouraged to stay for a while in the cocoon that had been readied for me. My interactions with others not only reflected how I’d been interacting with myself, they guided me into a different reality. Opening the door for some inward realizations that had been worked through in months of inner struggle leading up to each precise moment.
I’ve connected into the wilderness moreso this year then ever. The restlessness and the impatience literally driving me into the woods/mountains/coulees/prairies many days. As fall hit so did new routines. The standards I set for myself shifted almost instantly as I emerged from the state of burnout and survival I’d been in for months (years?). The disassociation I’d been existing in was unveiled and the reconnection required that I level up my self care integrity.
So. Yoga. Daily. Meditation. Daily. Movement. Daily. Nature. As much as possible.Work came second, I came first.
As a business owner this SEEMED counterintuitive. Yet… Unsurprisingly as I leveled up for myself, the blocks my business life had been hitting have began disintegrating. I reconnected into how I wanted to restructure my professional life, and in turn fell in love with it again. After months of heavy burn out, this was HUGE.
On top of this I began to experience new parts of myself being unearthed. As I opened doors and peered into different spaces I saw opportunities for expression of self that I hadn’t had access to. Over the last few months how I walk, talk, move, breathe and exist has been shaken up and shifted.
After spending a few days in process with myself in the mountains, walking through the woods talking to birds and consulting waterfalls, I came home to the middle province to be greeted with a suddenly different me. I felt as though I was sitting deep inside the physical embodiment I presented to the world- watching others engage with “old me” as “new me” quietly waited and observed.
While this at times was a little alienating, over time I began to see the power in the process, and feel a much deeper connection to communities that had been built around me throughout my entire life.
Yes. I am seeing now what no longer suits or matches what I value for myself. I can see now what needs to be expressed differently, and let phase out if need be. I can feel new connections inwards, to higher guides, to new lessons, and to new communities forming.
The theme tonight as I sit with all this that’s come up over the past few months is how I haven’t had control over this process I’ve been going through. I was meant to go through it all one way or another. Whether now or down the road ( and no doubt more transformation is yet ahead). Having gone through it how I did, I am deeply grateful that I opened myself to it (most of the time anyway), and allowed it to have it’s way with me.
The second theme I am sitting with is community. How unbelievably integral community is. We all have our lessons and our paths to follow, and sometimes that leads us down a dark and winding road. Even on the roughest of paths, the community and networks that surround us (for good or bad) have reflections, guidance, and suggestions for us. It all points back to our interaction and engagement with ourselves. Communities serve as support, and as we develop the ability to support ourselves, parent ourselves even, we both offer our own gifts back into the community and are able to receive higher guidance. As a business owner I’ve really grounded into the power of community, as it’s what has built all my ventures from start ups, to expanding businesses in their own rights.
I feel a new fire being kindled around my self-identity. On all levels I feel a deep transformation occurring both internally and externally in my life. What I used to accept is no longer acceptable, and how I express and present myself has shifted. Not unsurprisingly all this has had dramatic impact on how I operate in my day to day life, and how others interact with me!
So this crossroads I can see. I don’t feel stuck, as the options feel pretty obvious. I found myself praying for discipline the other night. Discipline, routine, structure.. all things that used to give me hits of anxiety. They seemed daunting, scary, and boring all at once.. yet now they have been what pulls me forwards and offers support even on bad days. They don’t require that I sacrifice my freedom or my wild, on the contrary they have enhanced my ability to be me, whoever that is each day, consistently.
As I welcomed the prayer for discipline, I realized that I was praying for this guidance as I walked through this crossroads. In many ways this crossroads required me to move ahead once again on my own path. Knowing my communities and my process are there no matter what, and that I am working with renewed energy for the betterment and enhancement of myself are comforts as I step forwards deeper into this transformative time.