Tag Archives: Manitoba

Believe Your Own BullShit

We humans are experts at perpetuating our own patterns. For better or for worse. Usually against our own benefit…

So much so that often we don’t even believe ourselves when our true selves are trying to lead us onto a better path.

Unsurprisingly, only two lessons back into riding on a more dedicated level then I have in years and I’m finding philosophical life lessons being thrown at me left and right.

Coming back into the game after a few years off, riding a much different style of horse then what I’ve worked with before, I’m being confronted with all my old baggage.

While I’m not covered in as much rust as I thought I would be, old habits are dying hard. It’s like a Pandora’s box of baggage has been opened and needs to be organized and hung out to dry.

Warming up today the words that floated to me from the eyes on the ground suggested that I am riding like I’m riding a young horse. Supportive, encouraging, trying to lead the way and being overly accommodating. I was presented with an amazing analogy for my go to leadership style. Teacher all the way- lead by example and empower. This style works sometimes for me- but not all the time, and actually as of late- rarely. The words that followed next smacked me in the head with another relatable flow of logic. You need to tell and direct, not suggest and expect.

I’ve seen in the last while that my greatest strength and weakness is seeing the absolute best in those around me. Empath to the core- I can see you’re greatest potential before I even know you’re last name… and that often gets in the way of really being helpful in leadership/teaching/management.

I’m now riding a horse that has the power and ability to do whatever I ask. Tell him the plan and he will get it done. However, suggest an idea and expect him to collaborate on a plan? Not very effective with his archetype. He really is a mirror for many of the other situations I’ve approached with my habitual way of wanting others to empower themselves through situations (be them personal, relationship, or professional).

When I was directed to quit letting him decide where we were going and tell him what we were doing and how we were doing, something clicked.

Through all my confidence and leadership ability- I do indeed have a tendency to defer decision making. I personally learn through experience, and want every else to learn about themselves in a similar way. In a past relationship I did exactly what I was doing during this ride.. deferred direction to the other, assuming growth would occur from them having to figure things out and allowing myself to follow in their process. While growth certainly did happen, a lot of unnecessary time was spent being “dragged around” so to speak.

Unsurprisingly, the theme of power has come up frequently in meditations lately. It seems that a voice within me and situations around me keep telling me that I have some work to do around believing in my power, speaking that power, and becoming that power. Power– so many of us attribute it negatively. Is it though? When used towards our higher purpose and used to navigate ourselves and others towards a fulfilling destination?

I’ve sacrificed the idea of power and replaced it with the ideal of service in many contexts, especially in close personal relationships. I learned a lot. And I’m grateful for those lessons. Yet, I also experienced so much anger and frustration at that sacrifice. Was I truly serving anyone for the greater good? Or just playing nice and hoping.. hoping for the ‘right’ outcome, not even truly knowing what outcome that should be. I needed to experience that anger and frustration to learn what standing my ground meant. Where I thought it might mean losing something I valued, it really only demonstrates what is actually of value. Speaking from a place of inner power/value/purpose takes out the unnecessary and clears the path for the next step. What gets lost becomes less valuable and powerful then you once thought it was, and what remains is what is worth cultivating.

In my businesses- I can forge ahead and get so far ahead of myself and the team that I come off as intimidating, and I’ve often slowed my own process by getting caught up in wondering why nobody else sees my vision– instead of just directing and explaining the steps to accomplish that vision to the others involved. As I get more clear in my direction and communication- I’m seeing what I want to see happen in those around me. They become empowered, they communicate, they inspire and push harder towards the direction I lay out. There’s no equality, only motivated collaboration and new growth as a result.

I can motivate, inspire, and direct others… but if I take my leg off right at the moment where the next navigation is needed, less then optimal results come through. In reality it’s just miscommunication, confusion, and stutter steps.

Similarly, if I am too accommodating in my direction and collaboration, we don’t get anywhere. One party is happy to plod along and the other is aimlessly encouraging. There’s no connection.

My favourite line from this morning’s philosophical ride through a jump course/life was “believe your own bullshit”.

When you think you’re right, but doubt your correctness and don’t follow through with a direction/intention/cue.. it creates the same results as above. You’re bullshit, or your gut, or your inner thought- is almost ALWAYS right. Believe it. Even if you think it’s bullshit. Ride through it. Don’t play nice and let him (the horse)/life/another person lead.. you’re right. Direct the situation, even if it feels like you’re full of it.

Riding has always been a mirror for me. Just as yoga, meditation, and other things are as well. Riding doubles as having a physical, 1300lb, living breathing mirror to nail home it’s point. Returning now has unveiled many insecurities, blocks, and patterns in my psyche for review.

As I drove out to the barn this morning I was washed over with gratitude. For my mother who always sacrificed where she could to make my riding dreams a reality. The coaches I’ve been blessed with all the way through, all with their own philosophical roles in my growth and development in the saddle, and out. My high school principle who allowed me to use my spares in senior year to go to the barn and train. The profs who let me persist in being the “horse girl” and do any project possible focused to the equestrian. The opportunity to ride this horse I’m on now. The riders who participated in my early projects and those who came on as clients as I grew my understanding of changing how we develop athletes in this sport so many of us are addicted to.

Leaving the barn after the lesson I was blasted with reflections on situations gone by. How I played nice and hoped that the person or group involved would learn, choose themselves and see the collective vision– usually sacrificing myself in the process– where I could have stood my ground and navigated with some gumption instead. Sure, maybe the outcomes wouldn’t have changed. I obviously needed to experience all these events in the sequence they’ve occurred to get to where I am now… and boy, am I soaking up each and every experience.

We have the amazing ability to create our own realities. In this day and age, almost nothing is impossible. How many of us actually take initiative and choose to navigate towards the reality we want? How many of us can sit with our own bullshit and see the possibilities that lie within it?

Put your leg on, sit tall, and ride on through. The power is there, you just have to direct it.

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Powerful

“You don’t even know how powerful you are yet”

A friend told me that, earlier this year.

They were right.

This whole year I’ve been in a power struggle with my own being.

I started the year on the fumes of a year full of a “let go” theme. I rolled into the New Year set on shedding and grooming my self care. And in that new routine practice I found a voice that had been waiting.. waiting for a chance to speak.

That voice came out with friends, in self talk, with clients, in my business, and in networking.

It scared me. Often.

Then I noticed.. it only was scary when I tried to hold it in, or didn’t trust it.

The more I got comfortable with speaking the truth pouring out from within- the less terrifying it became. As I learned how to express tact with honesty I saw how my words created power for others.. empowered their own inner dialogue to shift.

In that process I began sensing efficacy in that inner fire. The inner power.

I realized that for so long I associated power with ego, and ego was something I’d worked so hard on releasing attachements to.

But.. are power and ego the same thing?

Not essentially, no.

“You haven’t realized how powerful you are”.. no.. I haven’t. But- I’m learning to experience power and not judge it for inspiring ego. Ego comes with being human- but observing it as part of our being enables it to let go of it’s hold on us.

So I continued to let go, to allow a flow to occur. Things, people, places- they come, they go, they call, they don’t call. It all ebbs and flows.

The pace of our lives sometimes carries us and sometimes we have to exercise control to gain perspective.

Where I sit now I sit in extreme accord with the voice that resides within and the fire that creates action. However I also am at peace with sometimes sitting and letting that voice mature.

My recent trip to Spain was the first travel experience where I honestly didn’t feel the need to reflect, examine, or exercise personal growth tactics.

I just was.

I came home with ideas and thoughts and progressions that I”ve been able to enact with new energy and a stronger voice then before.

I’ve had meetings and experiences since that have caused me to question everything about my experience so far, and how I want to use that experience to create new endeavours and what my purpose is.

I’ve seen love change forms in my life only to strengthen in it’s diversity. Expectations shift from set in stone to malleable elements serving equally those involved. Realities shift from what and who we are taught to be to understanding who we truly are, deep down, and exploring the purpose we all arrive with. Allowing that purpose to take on varying forms.

My life as it stands is wonderful and I look on it every day with newfound gratitude. For the opportunities and the power that resides within me- to give back, to create change, to build the reality I want to exist within.

True unhappiness or unsettledness stems in ignorance of self, distrust in the inner voice.

We learn to listen to that voice through experiencing the smallest moments life brings to us. A client planking for the first time in their two year history with you- and rocking it. A group fitness class that shows enthusiasm for the changes they are ready to make. Listening to an inspiring person in your life speak and feeling blessed to have them in your life. Seeing a friend break through their own internal struggles and let light into their being again.

All these small things are why we are here, and they are only found once we let go enough to let them shine through.

 

(Thank you to Jenaya Larisse Photography for the wonderful portrait 💖)  

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Quarters (cold)-Semis (colder)-Finals (likely frozen)!

Copy and pasted from my student blog, I will be writing another post on the rest of my life the past week- but this will have to satisfy you until I finish this damn 12-pager paper I’m procrastinating on. Enjoy! 

Frozen toes and superman spats all the way to finals

The Clansmen have surprised many a doubter the past couple weeks and are on their way to finals! I love working with the underdog team. Frozen massage tables (and fingers/toes) aside- I’m really excited to see this team make it all this way (also to play in the IG stadium!!).

We assessed Frost the snowman just before this picture was taken…….
Me being a dork during our quarter-final game

So yeah, we won quarter finals. That game was a great game to watch, and we even had some injuries to deal with during! The first being a quad contusion, which I ended up doing return to play for as Nikki was called out to the field to another injured player. It basically went from me observing her assessing the quad injury to her hucking a roll of elastic tape at me and yelling “compression!” as she ran onto the field. That was how I ended up doing my first quad compression wrap and return to play functional testing. By the time I ran said contused (is that even a word?) player through testing and sent him back onto the field, Nikki had returned with a possible ankle fracture (x-rays resulted in only a severe bone bruise and sprain the the medial side). Here I got to help with my first on-field splinting. The rest of the game seemingly passed with no more notable injuries, until after the game when a player came up to us exclaiming he had a broken finger. As Nikki assessed him, it was pretty clear there was some sort of fracture present (he pretty much dropped with pain as she palpated the mid-phalange). He was referred for imaging (player was of age, so parents were not called). The next morning after finding out the player had gone in for surgery that night, we found out he had numerous fractures to the finger. Can anyone say burst fracture?

                                                                      So that was fun.
Taping before that game I got to practice some tape-jobs I hadn’t seen or done since P&C. Again, mostly because Nikki was being swarmed by anxious players pre-game- I got tape tossed at me and vague directions/reminders on how to do an elbow hyperextension and all-around wrist tape. I know, I know, not hard- but still somewhat new for me at that point!
This week brought semi-finals, which somehow we also won. Is it bad that I was pretty sure this was going to be my last game this season? Again, loving the underdogs! I noticed during pre-game taping this time that some players who I hadn’t taped too often were definitely more willing to come to me for taping instead of going to Nikki first, and then coming to me as a last resort. It was a nice confidence boost to be able to tape their ankles, thumbs, and wrists and have them be satisfied. Especially before an important game. Continuing with what worked for them in quarter finals, Nikki spatted one player with superman tape- which resulted in a pretty cool look (little did the player know, they sort of looked like polka dotted underwear pattern from field side lol)
Nikki and the (In)Famous Superman Spats
The boys showed their underdog spirit in this game, that was for certain. The two significant injuries we had in this game was a 2nd degree ish MCL sprain (maybe, jury is still out on that). Player came off complaining that his knee gave out and originally had pain on the posterior aspect of the knee. Strength was good, and no laxity. The pain then moved more to the medial aspect of the patella and was somewhat difficult to provoke with special tests. The on site doctor had a look at it and decided it was the inner portion of the MCL that was irritated. The other significant injury was a concussion- which I got to run an assessment/SCAT on (weooo look at me go) and after the game I even got to call the parents!
The athlete was definitely not quite feeling right, but still maintained his smiley and happy-go-lucky attitude through the whole thing. Luckily this was a player I had interacted with before, so it made assessing him a little easier. We decided to refer him to see a doctor that night, because while on the sidelines with me he started to develop more symptoms (dizziness/headache) which hadn’t been there when we first talked to him.
Headed to the field for the Semi Final game
I’m going to have to say the concussion assessment was probably my most significant moment over the past couple weeks. Assessing has been a source of panic for me in the past, but it’s getting easier for me to chill out and do my job. Related to this, this weekend I ran a shoulder assessment on my step-dad (classic RC tendinitis/pathy) and that combined with the concussion assessment I did on Friday were the first two assessments I’ve done where I haven’t A) blanked and had my thought process turned to profanities or B) ran the assessment and then realized afterwards I forgot something rather significant like PROM or palpation. Yeah, that seriously has happened. Please tell me I’m not the only one?
Another significant moment was remembering hot packs to have in my mitts this week. Oh my god can I hug whoever invented those?
Goals? Besides remembering hot packs for my toes next week, and getting a picture in the big kid stadium… I’d like to continue honing my assessment skills on whatever opportunities come up over the next week. It’s been really cool reflecting back on how much I’ve grown over the season. I’m really glad it’s not quite over yet, because I’m not sure what I’m going to do with Friday nights when football is over. It’s provided me with so many great learning experiences (most of them by literally being thrown into something and having to tape, assess, refer, or call Nikki, out of). Anyway, I’ll save all that fluffy stuff for next time.
If you see me before our game next Friday, remind me to pack my hand and toe warmers so I don’t forget!
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Back road running

Okay so sometimes I take more pictures than I do running. Until my phone dies and I decide that maybe I should keep moving.

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Over the hill and through the woods (literally)

A weekend in the country is a cure all. Nothing like home cooking, good family, and hiking in the valley with a good friend. Running, jumping, climbing shale walls, sliding back down shale walls, letting minnows nibble your feet in a creek, exploring- relaxing. Just what was needed! Hope everyone out there had an equally awesome weekend!

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Heart of Hearts

This show started out for me fairly similar to how RMWF did. Going as a spectator, falling in love, and setting a goal to one day be one of those glorious people in the competition ring. This is the second time I’ve made that dream come true, and taken my humble horse to Heart of the Continent- Manitoba’s largest and most competitive outdoor hunter jumper show. Willard and I entered in our usual divisions- and were most competitive in the 3ft hunters. If I were to take you round by round over the course of this 5 day event, this post would take 5 days to get through- so I’ll give you a briefing on how we did.

Overall this was one of our best shows yet. I feel like I say that every time I write about a competition, which is the way it should be right? Always seeing improvements, and the big picture starts getting a little more awesome. Thursday and Friday we stayed consistent and earned ourselves top 6 placings in our Child/Ami/Non-Pro division as well as the Senior Low and Open Low divisions. Will pulled out his awesome for the flats- which he normally despises, and we were scrounge up some good results there too.

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Saturday brought the big Equine Canada Open Low $5000 Hunter Classic, which we managed to put in a great round for. My best Classic round yet (Hunter classics are just a fancy, longer hunter round- of which the top 10 scorers get called back for a second final round- usually intense, always more expensive). If you’d like to see what our round looked like, click here.  We ended the first round with a score of 64, just a couple points below the cut off for the second round. There were 30 competitors in this class, one of the biggest hunter classics I’ve ever competed in (no doubt the purse helped). What brought our score down? We didn’t find the elusive perfect distance to the first fence, which in a big competitive class such as this one is important. I also had to push him up in one of the lines, and that slight pace change would for sure catch the judges eye. However, the fact that we were only a few points behind the top 10, and it was our best classic round ever, is enough to satisfy me! Besides, missing that distance in that class meant that I found it in every single course I did the rest of the weekend (that same first jump ended up being the first jump in most of my courses). Later on that day we ended up 2nd in our Child/Ami/Non-Pro, click here to see that round, and placed in the top 6 of our other rounds and flats for the day.

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The final day of competition brought our Adult/Ami medal and our 3ft Hunter Special (specials are similar to classics, except they are only one round). Our course in the medal class went really well, however I didn’t ride a very great flat portion and we ended up 4th overall- still very respectable given our competition! The high light for me was our Special round. It was absolutely perfect, except we had some loud ticks on a couple fences which brought down our score. However we still managed to place 6th overall, which meant I achieved my goal of winning a “fancy ribbon”! It was the first time we’ve ever placed in a special, and I am SO pumped about it! Another high light was being Reserve Champion in our Child/Ami/Non-pro division for the weekend!

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Fancy ribbon!!!

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The rest of the loot!

So, it was a super great weekend for us results wise. Many goals were achieved, even the superficial ones- like getting a cool ribbon. One of the best things for me was to be able to place, and be competitive with some really good, national competition. To hold our own against some of the best horse/rider combos in western Canada is something to be proud of! Another really cool thing is how consistent we were throughout the entire weekend. Something that is becoming common for us is that consistency. The ability to go into the ring and have good rounds over and over again is new, but exciting. I used to be happy with one good round over an entire show- but now I expect to go in and be successful no matter what. The bar keeps getting raised higher, and I’m excited to find out what we can achieve next.

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Still 1

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Behind me

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Learn from what’s behind you, so you can pass the tests ahead of you.

Also, hair cut!

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